1. reduced to fragments; fragmented.
2. ruptured; torn; fractured.
3. not functioning properly; out of working order.
These last couple weeks the Lord has been teaching me so many things about myself. Every single day I'm hit with revelations, and I'm shown how he works best in my weakness. ( 2 Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.)
About a week ago though, it hit me. So simply, and so true. I came to the realization that I'm broken. A complete mess. Now, I know this might sound super elementary, we're all broken, yes, but have you ever let that sink in? As I was having coffee with an amazing woman of God, I was hit with this fact. And yes, it was like someone turned the light on in a dark room. I think I might have even sighed with deep relief. Being broken and admitting it is the first step you see, because then that's where healing can take place. When I stepped back and saw my life and how carefully I was trying to hold it all together I could see just how destructive it was.
The interesting thing about this brokenness though, is that I wasn't lying to the world as much as I was lying to myself. I was telling myself that I was fine, when I wasn't.
My brokenness stems from many places and memories. It comes from how I was raised, who I was around, the choices I made, and the choices that were made for me. However, the biggest reason, is that I live in a broken world. This world is broken, and holds broken people living their lives trying to consume anything they think will heal the cracks in their heart.
On an evening stroll with a friend a few nights ago we were talking about how deeply broken we were. A fun conversation to say the least. ;) We talked about how being broken can so easily be covered up in this world, and then almost at the same time, we both blurted out, "It's like we've been trying to cover these hearts of ours with band aids ( super cool band aids of course ) but that won't fix it!" It was an interesting realization of course, but instantly I knew it made sense. When I choose to cover my heart with "band aids" I am choosing to 1. fix the problem instantly, and 2. fix the problem myself.
When you're gardening and you want to get the weeds out it can be so easy to grab the easiest weeds and pull, just grabbing the stem, but the hardest ones have roots. These roots can be imbedded deep, taking time, patience, and some hurt to get them out. But once they're gone you have that space, that once was filled with something ugly, but now with the potential of beauty and healing.
Along with being broken I've realized that we all live with lies that just aren't true. These lies can be new, or lies that have held your life captive since the very beginning. Though there might be many ways of saying it, I have come to the realization that "my lie" is and was that I'm not good enough. That no matter how much I try it just won't be enough. I can see this throughout my whole life. It has kept me from friendships, relationships, and in the end joy. I have been afraid of trying because I have been afraid of failure. What the heck! This brings me so much sadness. You see I never saw it as a lie or being broken, I just saw it as being safe. And I'm done with being safe. I'm pushing the way I used to live aside, and instead I'm arming myself with God's truth. Life will still be broken, and there will still be times I want play it safe, but honestly with God by my side, there is nothing to lose. There is only gain.
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot
Being broken means that I'm fragments of something that was once whole. That God is working on me.
Tying into an earlier post, being broken I so easily want to hide it from the world. But that's where vulnerability is key. As I continue to share my heart with close friends they're still here. They still want to hear, they still want to encourage, and they pray for me. Have I mentioned that God is so GOOD!?
( I voiced the fear to one of my roommates a few days ago that, realizing I'm broken, makes me want to push people away. I feel like I don't have the right to ask anyone to walk life with me because I'm such a mess. I don't feel like burdening anyone.) But that's what grace is. God teaches us how to give grace to others, because he gave us the biggest grace of all.
"... we need not hide all that is ugly and repulsive in us. Jesus comes not for the super-spiritual but for the wobbly and the weak-kneed who know they don't have it all together, and who are not too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace." - The Ragamuffin Gospel
One last point, along with being broken, I have been able to walk along side others who have shared their hearts with me, and shared with me what they are learning. I am finding out that I love hearing others. Listening to them and seeing that I in fact am not the only one who is broken.
An amazing quote that a friend shared with me a couple days ago really resonated with me, here it is.
"Never trust a man until you've seen his limp." - John Mark
Walking life with others means that you share in your brokenness and marvel at the grace of the Savior... together.
I am banishing the idea of walking life by myself. That's not what we were created for.
Lastly here's a song that has rocked my world this past week. So much so that every single word is exactly what my life is right now. I encourage you listen to it. :)
