Being Vulnerable:

What is love and what does it mean to be vulnerable? I'm still not sure, to be honest, and yet...I'm learning, and here I've decided to write about it.. haha so it's a start. : )

This post is going to have a lot of raw feelings that I'm still trying to figure out but that have been on my heart.

These past few years I've perfected how to close myself off. I've worked on it and I've gotten pretty darn good. I've also accepted a lot of lies that Satan has thrown my way. Today I had a breakthrough and I realized how destructive this all has been. That's right, Jesus is hitting these lies with his TRUTH. I'm being bombarded with his LOVE. Jesus is slowly changing this heart of mine and teaching me that it's okay to let this heart of mine be free. To feel. To feel his truth. Today I put into words what these lies are. These lies that have held me captive for waayyy too long. These lies are....
1. I'm not good enough.
2. I don't deserve good things.
3. I WILL mess up everything.
4. Sharing my feelings is not good.
5. When you're vulnerable people run.

Have I mentioned how good He is though? These are his truths.
1. He died for me, He thinks I'm worth it.
2. "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." ~ James 1:17 * Again, He died for me and gave me life through him, and He wants good things for his children.
3. When I walk with him, I'm choosing to give over all my thoughts, actions, and desires to him. I will not fail with him by my side.
4. Fellowship is GOOD! When you come together with others, Jesus in the center, love, tears, and joy overflow!
5. This has taken practice, but as I keep (slowly) opening myself up and sharing, these friends are STILL here. Crazy, and new for me.

All these lies have shown me that the only way to stay safe is to close this heart of mine. Seal it, and never let it see the light of day. And honestly I thought I was pretty content with that. However, back to God wanting good things for his children, he's showing me to be vulnerable to open up. And receive love.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”     - C.S. Lewis

Being vulnerable absolutely terrifies me. Right up there with spiders and sharks.. haha The consequences of being vulnerable to me, were fear, rejection, and loneliness. At least that's what I thought. When I was younger I was taught that being vulnerable showed weakness. The first six years of my life was robbed of a childhood, and because of that, I learned quickly to take care of myself. That includes my heart. As I grew up, that never really changed, it only grew stronger.

But this summer Jesus is moving! I know he always has been, but it is only now that I can see it and ready to embrace it. Living in Monmouth is a gift from God!
In simple terms. I'm learning to share. I'm learning to be vulnerable. And it's scaringly, amazingly, FREEING!
Today, I came home after a hard day at work, and instead of closing myself off, and dealing with it myself I chose to share with a close friend of mine. I showed her some nitty gritty, and you know what she didn't run! She stayed and she showered me with love. I am beyond blessed by her friendship, but even more that that, I am awestruck on how Jesus is SHINING from and within her. I actually have tears in my eyes writing this, because I'm overwhelmed by His love. I don't deserve it, it's true, I sin, and make mistakes regularly, but He died for me. He took those sins, and carried them to the cross. So that I can run to Him, run to my Father, and lay everything down. Be free.

That being said, I'm still learning. When someone asks me to share, it's still hard. I still stammer, I still have a hard time looking at them and being real. I still want to close myself off and keep my heart hidden. But you know what? I'm choosing not too. I'm letting Christ give me strength, and open this fragile heart of mine.

P.S. I took the love languages quiz today. ( I highly recommend taking it) My top one was quality time. Say Whaaa? That means I enjoy spending time with people and that's how I feel love. That means being vulnerable! It definitely wasn't before. Jesus is good and he's changing my heart!